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| Photo is Property of Everybody's Beautiful © |
Let me back up a bit though.
On Monday my aunt passed away. She had been ill for some time and it wasn't a surprise. It was just unfortunate.
You see, I never got the opportunity to know that side of the family very well. I'm not sure why, but that is how it played out.
I have some anger about that for obvious reasons to me. Maybe I wouldn't have been sexually abused if it was that family I spent my time with. That scenario runs through my head quite often. I digress.
Friday was a bit of a blur for me. I know I went to a friends house for coffee, came home, then went back over for dinner and a movie. The day feels so very distant to me.
Then on Saturday, I went on another 30 mile ride. Well, 30.15 and it took slightly longer. 2'54".
It was good though. I met up with some friends and we took off.
I took the time to do some thinking.
Saturday was the day of the funeral. They day we would say our final goodbyes.
The ride got me thinking of many things.
While I was on the trail, my friends has gotten a good ways ahead of me. I lagged back to have some alone time.
As I was approaching our turning point, a doe came out of the trees and she just stood there. She didn't move.
As I got closer, I thought for sure she would run off, but she stood her ground.
She allowed me to stop for a moment and reach out to her. She started to take a sniff, then she stepped back. Twitching her ears and flicking her tail.
Of course I thought this would be the perfect moment to take a picture. As I was getting my camera out, I made a noise that spooked her and she ran off.
Though I was obviously disappointed, because I knew I no longer had proof of this encounter, I realized something.
I had never been more at peace in my life than at that moment.
It was just me and this doe having a moment together.
Being curious about one another and not having any expectations.
Not having any expectations...........
When did this change in my life? When did I begin to have expectations of others and expect them to have none of me?
I fell apart Saturday for many reasons. I am still trying to pick up those pieces I have managed to leave behind on the way.
The important pieces.
I'll get there, one day.
