Perception

Photo is Property of Everybody's Beautiful ©

Ever changing....
The majority of people are afraid of change. Myself included.
The past nine months have been a huge change for me filled with daily changes. No, I'm not getting ready to have a baby.
As I sit here and reflect, I realize my life has been in constant change from the day I was conceived. It has been for each of us.
Every moment of the day things are constantly changing around us and we barely notice because we are caught up with our selves. Basically we are selfish in this aspect.
We begin to perceive we have a routine and perceive we are comfortable then freak out when we perceive change.
Everything about our lives is perception. Whether it is the relationship we deny is falling apart or we are causing to fall apart, how we view our bodies not realizing someone else sees its beauty while we are appalled by the reflection in the mirror, how we find blame in everyone and everything not looking inward to see the real problem. All perception.
What if we stopped perceiving things and just breathe, just be?
Right now I am struggling with a few things. 
I am dying inside because I can't be as active as I used to be, as I want to be. I will get there, but right now I am having a hard time seeing the prize because not being active is a huge change. 
I also have been slowly seeing how I perceive people and it's deteriorating my idea of them. It scares me.
I have been catching myself slowly folding inward and hiding. I know this pattern. When I can't control the situation, can't change it, I recoil because it isn't worth the fight. 
"Pick your battles," my therapist said.
Then there is the PTSD. I hate it. I would tear it to shreds if I could take hold of it with my hands. I refuse to use it as a crutch. I try so hard to not let it dictate my life, my relationships, my soul. However, sometimes it devours when I'm not looking. Especially when there is change. Sometimes it latches on to my perception and devours. Causing me to second guess.
So I sit here deciding....
I will work daily to change my perception and just breathe, just be.

Goodbye

She said goodbye yesterday. 

Packed her things,

She went away. 

He said, "I'm sorry",

But now she's gone. 

She said good bye yesterday. 

These words have been stuck in my head for years. 

I want them out of my head to never return. 

Photo is Property of Everybody's Beautiful ©

Elephants Make the Best Drummers

I had a pleasant memory just now.

Creedence Clearwater Revival came across my radio and it took me back to the day they were playing on the radio when I was little. The song was "Looking Out my Back Door".

It was summer and Mom had the windows and doors open. A nice breeze came through the house. We were canning.

My favorite part of canning was always snapping the green beans. My least favorite, tomatoes. I never liked helping with canning the tomatoes. They stained everything and I would find seeds for days.

When the song came on, Mom stopped what she was doing and stopped my sister and me.

I smiled because I knew what was coming up. Mom smiled real big, reached her hands out to us both and began belting out "Tambourines and elephants are playing in the band. Why don't you take a ride on a flying spoon..."

I remember asking why the elephants were in a band. Without skipping a beat, she said, "Why, they make the best drummers of course".

My sister and I laughed and laughed while dancing with our mom.

She always danced with us. Always. She had this way of making life more alive; less scary. She knew just how to make us feel safe and secure.

She still does. She is my rock, my hero and someone I am proud to call Mom. She knew the perfect amount of rope to give me and when to pull it back so I wouldn’t get lost in this world. She still has hold of the rope.

She is an amazing, strong woman and that smile on her face, the peace in her eyes, it lets me know elephants really do make the best drummers.