The Growing Soul

Photo is Property of Everybody's Beautiful ©

Waiting is such a tiring game. Standing in line, anticipating the next move even though you know the outcome. Yet you wait. You wait not knowing exactly why you are waiting. But still... still... you know the outcome and still you wait. 

She was beautiful. 

Somehow, all the anger I had towards her dissipated and she was the woman I loved before that day. 

I watched her lay there.  Lay there suffering. She was hanging on to something for some reason and I found myself becoming angry at that. 

Angry until I slept.
When I wake, I'm angry again that she is still suffering and still choosing to hang on.

Perception

Photo is Property of Everybody's Beautiful ©

Ever changing....
The majority of people are afraid of change. Myself included.
The past nine months have been a huge change for me filled with daily changes. No, I'm not getting ready to have a baby.
As I sit here and reflect, I realize my life has been in constant change from the day I was conceived. It has been for each of us.
Every moment of the day things are constantly changing around us and we barely notice because we are caught up with our selves. Basically we are selfish in this aspect.
We begin to perceive we have a routine and perceive we are comfortable then freak out when we perceive change.
Everything about our lives is perception. Whether it is the relationship we deny is falling apart or we are causing to fall apart, how we view our bodies not realizing someone else sees its beauty while we are appalled by the reflection in the mirror, how we find blame in everyone and everything not looking inward to see the real problem. All perception.
What if we stopped perceiving things and just breathe, just be?
Right now I am struggling with a few things. 
I am dying inside because I can't be as active as I used to be, as I want to be. I will get there, but right now I am having a hard time seeing the prize because not being active is a huge change. 
I also have been slowly seeing how I perceive people and it's deteriorating my idea of them. It scares me.
I have been catching myself slowly folding inward and hiding. I know this pattern. When I can't control the situation, can't change it, I recoil because it isn't worth the fight. 
"Pick your battles," my therapist said.
Then there is the PTSD. I hate it. I would tear it to shreds if I could take hold of it with my hands. I refuse to use it as a crutch. I try so hard to not let it dictate my life, my relationships, my soul. However, sometimes it devours when I'm not looking. Especially when there is change. Sometimes it latches on to my perception and devours. Causing me to second guess.
So I sit here deciding....
I will work daily to change my perception and just breathe, just be.