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These are my truths:
I am a victor of sexual abuse that occurred when I was 12. I was able to forgive myself for believing something was wrong with me. For believing the only way I could ever be loved would to be promiscuous. Because I forgave myself, I was able to forgive my abuser. Oh, he doesn't know he is forgiven, but he can never hurt me again. I can actually be in the same room as him without ever suffering uncontrollable fear and panic attacks.
At the age of 19 a person I always called a friend held a gun to my head and swore me to secrecy. A few days later he and another man took the life of a mother as she made a night deposit after work. I lived with the guilt of not telling the police the events that took prior to the murder. I chastised myself everyday for being scared. For the most part, I have forgiven myself for being too scared to speak up. Now, I do speak up regardless.
When I was 21, I found out I was pregnant a few days before my birthday. It was actions I took causing me to lose my baby. The moment I lost my child, I felt part of my soul leave my body. No one can ever tell me a fetus isn't alive. That day I knew, I knew my child had a soul. I still struggle with forgiving myself. Even though I can't have children because it is medically impossible for me to, always has been, I still feel I am at fault somehow. But I am so very thankful for the huge heart I have and for the lives God has entrusted me to watch over. Losing my child makes me love others so much more.
For the majority of my life, I have been both mentally and physically abused. Out of this I grew independent. I also became afraid to be me. I was such a very happy child. How did I lose me?
In 2005 I was diagnosed with PTSD. PTSD? Are you sure? I've never been in a war. I've never been in combat. I am not worthy of such a diagnosis.
Oh...
I see...
I get it now.
So for the past 5 years I have been in counseling. For the past five years I have been recovering. For the past five years, slowly..., slowly my triggers have been fading away. Until recently.
You see, I didn't realize I was still broken. I didn't realize someone I walked away from had broken me. I really thought I was ok. I really did think I was ok until a trigger surfaced. A trigger I didn't know existed. A trigger that made my soul ache.
I'm not ok, but fortunately I really do have a strong support system.
In the midst of getting lost and finding my way back to the one and only constant in my life. I didn't realize I had shut this constant out again.
I found my way back to God. Slowly I am healing. Slowly I am getting back to me. As impatient as I am, I know I must wait on God. With God I will be able to find my way. God has already rewarded me with many riches beyond anything earthly.
So for the past 5 years I have been in counseling. For the past five years I have been recovering. For the past five years, slowly..., slowly my triggers have been fading away. Until recently.
You see, I didn't realize I was still broken. I didn't realize someone I walked away from had broken me. I really thought I was ok. I really did think I was ok until a trigger surfaced. A trigger I didn't know existed. A trigger that made my soul ache.
I'm not ok, but fortunately I really do have a strong support system.
In the midst of getting lost and finding my way back to the one and only constant in my life. I didn't realize I had shut this constant out again.
I found my way back to God. Slowly I am healing. Slowly I am getting back to me. As impatient as I am, I know I must wait on God. With God I will be able to find my way. God has already rewarded me with many riches beyond anything earthly.
I have been gifted with four women of separate circumstances who I can not only relate to, but depend on.
I have been gifted a man who is genuine, honest, and strong to lift me up.
Have faith, you will find your way too.
Have faith, you will find your way too.
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